How I Watched My Life Fade To BLACK

I went to see my therapist yesterday.  I think we all need a little fine tuning from time to time from a professional.  Someone with rational and unbiased opinions.  You see, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been having a very difficult time letting go, emotionally, of a long term, toxic relationship.   A relationship that nearly killed me, physically, trying to hold on to it and “fix it”.  My problem is I’ve always been a “fixer” and in my mind everything is “fixable”.

But sometimes we hold on to things that are irreparable and irretrievable.  The learning comes in knowing when to let go and release those things back into the universe.

I recently saw a little poster that read: “Stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels good”.

That process began for me yesterday.  Even though the actual relationship ended quite some time ago I was still emotionally attached.  I was still holding on to the hope of fixing and reconciling my damaged marriage.

However, during my session yesterday I discovered some new truths about myself and my beliefs.  Truths that I hadn’t allowed myself to grasp or accept until today.  I discovered the real reason my life had begun to fade to black.

Galileo said, “All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them”.

What is life in the absence of truth?  It’s a false and distorted representation of reality devoid of merit or meaning.  In a relationship truth is a clarifier, a definer that lends itself to the authenticity of the relationship.  Without truth the relationship becomes an illusion, a lie.

By definition, simplified, truth is “the quality or state of being true; sincerity in action, character, and utterance; the body of real things, events, and facts; conformity to fact or actuality; a statement proven to be or accepted as true”.  To be true is to be “genuine or authentic, loyal or faithful, in accordance with fact or reality”.

At some point, many years ago my marital relationship became that illusion, that lie that I’ve perpetuated by holding on to the distorted memory of it. And in falsely believing that I could “fix” all that was wrong with it.  My first truth…I can’t “fix” everything…and it’s okay!

My therapist challenged me to take a much deeper look at the truths about my life through a little introspective self-exploration.  The objective is to identify and release those things that are keeping me so grounded in a vacuous darkness in the aftermath of my broken marriage.

Yesterday she told me that the next step in this endeavor could be found in the simple act of forgiveness.  I needed to forgive my husband, as well as, myself in order to free my “self”.  Simple suggestion, right?  No, it’s not!

Last night as I said the words out loud to myself all of the hurt and hostility came rushing to surface.  And there was a tremendous outpouring of unbridled emotions.  I cried for hours.  Those tears that had been pent up for so long were soul-cleansing tears.  The impact of those simple words, “I forgive you…” took away some of the hurt and replaced it with a brief moment of peace.  Peace is something that I haven’t had in a very long time.

I once had a life filled with the colors of promise, dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Passion and peace were my constant companions.  The possibilities for my life were endless and just waiting to be fulfilled.

But nothing is perfect.  Along with his unexplained absences, came many lies and acts of infidelity.  And when the relationship failed, I became bogged down in the clutter of the confusion and chaos that remained in the aftermath.  The essence of what and who I was slipped away from me.  I found myself transported to a place of darkness where there were only shades of BLACK.

For him, I just another chapter in his life.  But for me, he was the entire book.

I had stepped away from my own life and I watched it slowly fade to black.  Gone were the days of dreams, promises, and hopes.  My peace had been compromised.  My passion for life had ceased to exist.  Lost and confused by it all, I stopped breathing, I stopped living.

After nearly two decades of loving that man and only him, I was absolutely devastated.

I was now being visited by a hurt that went so deep I couldn’t think about or feel anything outside of that pain.  It had encased me like a second skin.

It was no longer a matter of viewing my glass as either half-empty or half-full, the glass had shattered into a million pieces and so had my life.

But after yesterday’s session I think I can finally see just a little glimmer of light and hope.

Today begins my emotional and spiritual journey to finding more of my new truths.  The objective is to change my mindset regarding how I view myself and reclaim all the things that were lost or forgotten.  To separate and release myself from the shackles of my painful past experiences.  And move forward to create new and more positive experiences within and for my life.

I’m only just beginning to understand and accept the reality of my present.  The truth can only be found in the present.  The past was holding me back from realizing my future.  Therefore, I’m letting go of a love that never loved me and letting God direct my life path to something better, stronger and greater.

There will be no more living my life in the past tense.  I’m looking forward to living my new life in the present and planning  for awesome and amazing future.


2 responses

  1. I also faced the reality of a life without the love of almost two decades. It took time and a quite a lot of work, but I am now able to not only see the light but be grateful for where I am and the lessons I learned along the way. It’s a terrible birth, but that does not mean that it’s a terrible world. Your shattered glass can make a mosaic more beautiful than ever before if you give it time and a patient hand.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. Facing a life without the love of my life was never a part of my life plans But God had a different plan in mind for me. Acknowledging and accepting the fact that what was, is no longer has been the most painful obstacle to overcome. It’s been difficult trying to find and resume a life of “normalcy”. Nothing feels right or good at this time. But I haven’t lost hope or my faith. I’m going to let that beautiful mosaic that you mentioned be my inspiration and motivation to succeed and excel. And again, I thank you for being another inspiring and encouraging voice of hope. Peace and many blessings to you…C. B. Yond

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