Saving Your “Self” After Your Relationship Ends


Ok ladies, let’s talk makeovers, emotional and spiritual makeovers. What if I told you that there’s a way for you to become your own emotional and spiritual life coach in the aftermath of a broken relationship. So here’s the scenario…That loving relationship you once had is now over. Your visceral reaction is in response to being abruptly disconnected and discarded. You’re left with those emotions and questions that always seem to punctuate the end of a relationship. A few weeks, months, or maybe even years have lapsed and you’re still experiencing that “what did I do wrong?” phase. The truth is, you didn’t do anything wrong.

But somehow you’re still re-living those final dying moments of that relationship. You’re consciously aware that your life and reality has changed but you haven’t. Why?

You may even think that no one understands or cares about how you’re feeling or what you’re going through right now. That’s where you’re wrong. I’m here to tell you that I understand and I care. I’ve already been there and back more times than I care to admit. And I want to share a little of the self-help therapy that actually worked to bring me out of the ‘dead relationship blues.’

Yes, your grief, heartache, and suffering are all too real and should be acknowledged. It’s normal to rehash that relationship over and over again in your mind. Right now you think those memories are all that you have to hold on to. You may be feeling unwanted and unloved. And it’s okay to give in to the weight and enormity of that pain and cry like there’s no tomorrow.

But at this juncture let me just say your feelings are temporary. Both negative and positive feelings will only last as long as you feed into them. Stop feeding into the negative.

But by holding on to the past you’re not allowing yourself to live in or experience your present. You can’t allow your history to determine or define your present. Your future is incumbent upon your actions and thoughts right here, right now, and in this moment. Inaction and fear of the unknown is keeping you from moving forward and restoring balance to your life.

Historian and author Alice Morse Earle wrote, “The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.”

The present, your present, is a gift. Maybe your time for letting go has already arrived but you don’t know how. Your self-confidence has been leveled. Your self-esteem has reached an all time low. You’re a little unsure of your ‘self’ and what you should do next. Well, you can start by getting back into the game of life. Get your game face on and remember winners are those individuals who are determined, driven, and dedicated!

Your first step right now, right here, in the present is to move.

Sometimes we have to encourage and motivate our ‘selves’ to see beyond our circumstances. We have to develop the vision to see the past our history, in order to accept and embrace the present. But we must also look beyond the present and begin to set new life goals for ourselves and our future. Partner or no partner, we must survive and live! Your present is just another opportunity release the things that are no longer right for you and to pursue the things that are.

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said, “Put yourself in a state of mind where you say to yourself, ‘Here is an opportunity for me to celebrate like never before, my own power, my own ability to get myself to do whatever is necessary.”

Self-healing is a gradual process so you can’t expect miracles over night. It takes motivation and resolve to initiate and see your therapeutic process through. From here on out, it’s all about diversion, drive, and dedication.

So let get to it…it’s time to celebrate you. So head up, shoulders back, and now face forward. Positive forward thinking is an essential and important element in your recovery.

Start by looking at what you could be doing in the next 5 to 15 minutes to make your ‘self’ feel good and special. Those 5 to 15 minutes a day may not seem like much but it’s a beginning and a step towards recovering your sense of self-worth and self-love. Remember, no one’s ever going to love or respect you more than you do. So begin the challenge of learning to love and respect your ‘self’ again.

In those 5 to 15 minutes why not you give yourself a quick facial, paint your nails, try a little yoga, do some random dancing, say a prayer, wash your hair, or scream. (I’ve done a lot of primal screaming in my time to release all of those repressed regrets and wasted emotions. In most instances it was a tremendous help.)

I want you to dedicate those few precious moments to you and you alone. Don’t think about anyone or anything but your ‘self’ as you begin the process of realigning your mind, body, and spirit. Allow yourself to experience a sensation outside of your pain and focus on how it makes you feel. Try to do something that requires focus and energetic movement. Those deliberate actions will divert your focus and energy away from the pain you’ve been holding on to. All of the negative energy that you’ve given over to your hurt and suffering is now being diffused and re-directed towards something positive, your emotional and spiritual healing.

It’s the little things that we do to inspire and motivate ourselves that gives us a desire to reach for more and work smarter towards having bigger and better things for and in our lives. This applies to every aspect of your life.

So when you’re ready, let’s say in a week or two, expand on the time that you’re now dedicating to your ‘self’ each day. Take 30 minutes to an hour to read, meditate, go for a walk, or go shopping and buy a new outfit or a pair of shoes. Just breathe, do whatever makes you happy, and continue to be actively present. And please remember to allow yourself to think about and plan for your tomorrow.

BTW, if you chose to purchase that new outfit, think about where you can go to show it off. That simple purchase and the thought that went into selecting those clothes or shoes is also a part of your new beginning. You’re redirecting your thoughts and your mind to believe that there is a tomorrow and you’re a part of it. What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can also achieve. You have the power and control within yourself to direct and redirect your mind and actions.

Therefore why not think about what could potentially be on the other side of this painful time in your life. Then think about and focus on all of the positive and wonderful things that you want for your life. Believe that those things you desire are what you deserve to have and they will eventually manifest themselves in your life. Positive thinking can manifest miracles out of mayhem.

Just keep pushing yourself forward. Get a new hairstyle or go to a day spa. Go to dinner with some friends. See a movie. Take a class. Buy your ‘self’ some flowers as a sign of appreciation for exhibiting the strength, love, and courage you didn’t even know you had.

Your every thought and action from this point forward should be purposed with you and your healing in mind. Become a just little selfish and do only the things that you feel happy and whole both inside and out.

Every other week make it a point to learn or try something new and different. By doing so you’ll grow and elevate yourself by leaps and bounds.

It may take some time but once you remember ‘you’ and how to love and take care of yourself, you can successfully ‘let go’ and move forward. Your pain will become just another faded memory.

You’re on a new journey to becoming the best you that you can be. Set yourself up to enjoy the ride!

You’ll soon find yourself running towards tomorrow and the promises that it holds. Where there’s life, there’s always hope. My hope and prayer is to see you on the other side of your current life situation and living a new life of joy, peace, and love of self in abundance.

The secret to getting over something or someone from the past is to get involved and engage in your present. And thereby change your perspective about your ‘self’. So stop wasting your precious time by holding on to something that no longer but move forward towards the things that are. Recover your joy and live!


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